"He currently is working two full-time jobs and Ubers on his off days to keep us afloat. Here is where I might be the a-hole. I do all of the expense managing and have continued to put money into my 'escape account.'"
I know that not everyone will agree with me, but I am a big believer in both partners in a relationship having their own money to fall back on if the relationship ends. Whether that be separate accounts, providing a stipend to stay-at-home partners, or whatever that looks like in the specific situation.
Fox / Via giphy.com
There are, of course, limits to everything — and that couldn't be more clear than with this wild situation concerning Reddit user u/TraditionalFuel6104 (or Traditional for short). She's a 34-year-old woman who has been married to her 37-year-old husband for seven years. In a post to the Am I the Asshole subreddit, she explained:
"When I got married, my mother came to me privately and talked about setting aside money as a rainy day/escape fund if worst came to worst. My husband has never showed any signs of being dangerous and rarely even gets upset, but the way my mother talked about it, it seemed like a no-brainer to have."
"When me and my husband got together we agreed I would be a stay at home wife. We are both child-free so that was never a concern. My husband made a comfortable mid-six-figures salary. All was good until about two years ago when he was injured at work in a near-fatal accident."
"We had hospital bills and a lawsuit that we lost that ate up nearly all of our savings.I took a part time job while my husband was recovering, but when he fully recovered we transitioned back into me being unemployed as my husband insisted that it was his role to provide. He currently is working two full-time jobs and Ubers on his off days to keep us afloat."
"Here is where I might be the asshole. I do all of the expense managing and have continued to put money into my 'escape account,' although I significantly decreased from $750 a month to just $200 a month," she said.
"My husband came home exhausted one night and asked about downsizing because the stress of work was going to kill him. I told him downsizing would not be an option as I had spent years making our house a home, and offered to go back to work. He tried to be nice, but basically told me that me going back to work wouldn't make enough. After an argument, my husband went through our finances to see where we could cut back."
"He was confused when he saw that I had regular reoccurring withdrawals leading back years, and asked me about it. I broke down and revealed my money to him, which now sits at about $47,000. After I told him all this he just broke down sobbing."
"His POV is I treated him like a predator and hid money from him for years even when he was at his lowest. I told him that the money was a precaution I would have taken with any partner and not specific to him. He left the house to stay with his brother and said I hurt him on every possible level. But my mom says this is exactly what the money is for and I should bail now. Am I the asshole?"
Girl.
TLC / Via giphy.com
As you may expect, most people had very strong and very unsympathetic reactions to Traditional's post. Like user TheLadyIsabelle explained, the issue was not necessarily that she put money away for a rainy day...
"You said, 'My mother came to me privately and talked about setting aside money as a rainy day/escape fund if worst came to worst.' That's smart...But then said, 'He currently is working two full time jobs and Ubers on his off days to keep us afloat...My husband came home exhausted one night and asked about downsizing because the stress of work was going to kill him.' Sooooo, this is where you lost my sympathy, personally. You have more than enough money for a personal emergency fund. You could have put a pause on your personal withdrawals for the past two years. He almost f*cking DIED!
And your mom... Why would you bail now??? He's done nothing but support you both. Why haven't you BEEN working, if you were so concerned about your escape fund? You don't even have children!!"
...the issue is that she kept taking money for herself while her husband was recovering from a near-fatal accident and struggling to make ends meet.
"It’s not even necessarily about her having the money — although I feel like that amount is a little much — but it’s about the fact that she’s letting him work three jobs while she’s got $47,000 stashed away AND she’s still adding to it!"Fun-Fruit-2825agreed.
People were genuinely shocked that she could watch her husband struggle for so long:
"This just can’t be real. I refuse to accept that anyone could be this obtuse and casually cruel to a person who cared for and about them to the point of a breakdown. Seriously I’d feel much better if you came on here and said 'just kidding'!" userBlixburksadmitted.
On top of stashing money away while her husband struggled, people also balked at the fact that Traditional turned down a compromise to downsize.
"I read this twice and I’m sorry but you're the asshole. Big time," userRMskisaid."Your husband is stressed and over worked, wants to downsize but you continue to add to your secret stash of $47K? I understand wanting to have a stash, but almost $50K for a 'rainy day' fund is ridiculous, especially since he’s proven, in your eight years together, that he is a good man. If you don’t want to leave the house, figure out how the $47K can help you stay and allow your husband to at least quit the Uber gig."
"You know what made me cringe most in this story? The refusal to downsize," user Heraonolympia123 agreed. "That would help you both, especially if you go back to work. The house you have is too much for your current income. If you love this man, if he has been good to you, you downsize and make life easier."
"And your mom is wrong to suggest that you should abandon him because you have the money to. He is not abusive, drug/alcohol dependent/ financially abusive/ cheating. He needs your help."
In conclusion: "You’ve essentially been allowing your husband to work his ass off while you took some of that money and turned it into a rainy day fund for yourself. So couple of things:
"That money isn’t yours, it’s both of yours. You’re married and your assets are split. You had no right to take the money in the first place, but you have absolutely no right to it. At minimum he’s entitled to half. You’re a massive asshole," userImperiousMagesaid.
